During covid relationships failing became a common theme. People being forced to stay at home and spend more time with their partners and families put stress on relationships that had problems to begin with. Time together made dealing with them necessary and relationships failed.
This trend isn’t something unique to the pandemic, however. Statistically, you can track the steady increase in failed relationships over the decades. Currently, about 50% of marriages end in divorce. 41% of first marriages fail, 60% of second marriages fail and 73% of third marriages fail. For non-married relationships, 70% fail. Depending on how you define relationships, of people “dating“, 92% fail.
As statistics have increased over the decades, it now seems likely that your relationship will end in failure. Why is this? What are we doing wrong? I think we really need to stop and ask some questions about the way we live our lives and the direction our society is going in.
Abuse in Relationships
It’s not just how many of these relationships fail that’s a problem but also the quality of them. Domestic violence and abuse are at the highest levels ever. One in three women and one in four men are the victims of abuse. Psychological or emotional abuse is a newer understanding of abuse that’s harder to quantify and specify but its effects can be more devastating and longer lasting than physical or sexual abuse. It’s often the precursor to other forms of abuse. About one in five men and women are emotionally abused.
Children that suffer abuse often recreate those patterns as adults and become abusers themselves. One in four girls and one in five boys are sexually abused. One in seven children is emotionally abused. Child neglect, something that can lead to physical and emotional problems lasting into adulthood occurred in 34%. Where do children learn to have healthy relationships if they’ve grown up in this type of environment?
A Rapidly Changing Society
Our society is changing rapidly. Are we sure that our ideas about relationships have kept up? The changes the pandemic caused to our society could be compared to the changes that happened after the world wars. In fact, since World War Two there have been numerous technological jumps (and wars) that have changed society. It almost seems like we’re getting about two a decade now as technology continues its parabolic rate of advancement. Has the human condition and understanding managed to keep up and adapt?
What is the current understanding of the paradigm of relationships anyways? Traditionally, it’s been that the man works and provides while the woman stays at home to look after it and the children. Does that still apply? Wild animals have different roles between the sexes. Is this where this idea comes from? Men go out to hunt and women look after the children and forage. Does this apply anymore?
In modern society, men and women can do the same jobs and it’s become illegal to discriminate because of sex. Women have achieved income parity with men in middle and lower incomes as well as higher incomes until you get closer to the very top where inequality still exists. Women have also done well and made inroads into trades and labour jobs that have traditionally been thought of as requiring the largeness and strength of a man to do. Children are at school all day or at daycare while their parents go out to work. It’s unusual for the woman to stay at home these days but it’s become more acceptable if the man wants to be the one staying at home. Generally though, nowadays both partners go out to work as the income needed to support a home and a decent lifestyle requires it. It seems that the traditional roles of men and women that we’ve lived with for thousands of years have changed. It doesn’t seem like it needs to apply anymore.
Same-sex couples have become accepted now too and it’s illegal to discriminate against someone because of their sexual preference. Up until recently, it was actually illegal to have sex with someone of the same gender, never mind recognition for being in a relationship with them. What roles do same-sex couples take in the relationship then? Who will be the “man” and who will be the “woman “ then? It seems like a ridiculous question to ask.
With all the telling statistics of the increase in failed relationships, it’s only logical that there’s also an increase in single-parent households. 27% of households are single parent now. Of these single parents 35% will choose to combine resources and live with another single parent. 12% of those will be men.
I’m going to try to bring some perspective to what’s going on with all the failing relationships. We’re at a crossroads of an evolving society in which our perspectives about relationships have become an incoherent mix of old and new ideas that aren’t always working together properly. Old ways don’t work or apply anymore and new ones aren’t understood yet and what the consequences are. Relationships are failing as society seems to have become organized more towards computers and money than people. I fear that we’re losing our way.
A Perspective for Healing
Sometimes a good way to get another perspective for healing is to take your current behaviour or direction and imagine logically continuing it to its ending or most extreme result. It’s like imagining chess moves many in advance to see if the move that you’re making is really what you want to do.
Another way to get a healing perspective is to take the behaviour or situation that you’re in and apply that same behaviour or situation but in a different setting so that hopefully you can see it clearly now if it’s presented in a way that’s not so personal to you. It’s like the same story, maybe it’s Romeo and Juliet, presented in a different setting so it’s easier to understand for you. Maybe then it’s the Westside Story instead but it’s the same story told in a slightly different way so you’ll be able to understand it better.
That’s what I’m going to apply to our societal situation of failed relationships to help people find some clarity. These may apply to you or not or maybe they do but only a little. These are societal issues that we will all be exposed to in some degree. Thankfully, we have a choice over how we conduct our relationships. There are going to be some shocking statistics and assessments of our society. We’re in bad shape. These assessments may seem extreme or angering to some. It’s pervasive around us though and as difficult as it still needs to be acknowledged. It’s a common reaction to express anger at the bearer of bad news or at a friend who’s intervening to try and help you. I’m going to be taking a few concepts to a judgemental extreme for your understanding and please take it into perspective. These are heavy-duty issues that are hard to look at. I believe they’re causing failed relationships.
Modern Dating
There’s a saying that it’s impossible to be disappointed without having expectations. I believe that there are so many expectations around relationships in the modern world that it’s become impossible to not be disappointed. Let’s examine dating apps as an example. You swipe by people until something catches your interest. They have to look right at you: clothes, picture, and smile. It has to be what you’re expecting the person who’s going to provide your “happily ever after story” to look like. There are also other things like hobbies, interests and beliefs that have to line up or it won’t work. You need someone that’s right for you even if you have to keep swiping and maybe going on dozens of dates before something connects. You need to have good judgment too and be able to discern quickly within a swipe or date or two whether that person will be the one to spend the rest of your life with and possibly children too or you’ll have to move on. It’s a fast-paced and busy world and we have objectives to get to where we want to be and there has to be a person who will fit perfectly for you or you’ll move on. Life is short. You want to get the most out of it that you can.
You can see problems with this paradigm though, right? It’s a lot of judgement and expectations to put on a person without even knowing them and not giving them hardly any time. They’re also doing it to you. How does it feel? Did the date go well? Was their judgement of you fair? One thing you can know about yourself though is that you will always end up with the type of partners that know how to make a good first impression. Actually, all the people on dating apps can know that about themselves. Or maybe they don’t but you can see how this quick dating completely favours the people that can make a good first impression. People that don’t make a good first impression may just be a little reserved and actually possibly wonderfully amazing genuine people once they open up and you get to know them. By the logic of the dating system though, those people aren’t the type that are datable.
So what do you do if you’re one of those wonderfully amazing genuine people that doesn’t make a good first impression? Well, make a good first impression. It doesn’t matter if that’s not really you, just try a little harder and step it up a little. Maybe “ embellish “ a little if you have to. I suppose that means that you’re not being as genuine as the person who you really are but just to get past the first swipe and get a fair chance it’s something that you have to do. Now you can be like one of those people that makes a good first impression. In fact, maybe the reason that they make a good first impression is because they’re doing this already. Why deny yourself? In fact, everyone’s doing it. It’s kind of standard practice to get past all that judgemental stuff in the first swipes and dates so you can be able to get together with someone. You can see how this could be a problem though, right?
And so you can see how many expectations are involved with dating apps and how much disappointment is possible. Untruths and lies will require lying for the rest of your life in a growing mess of intricate lies to keep track of until it inevitably falls apart and the truth comes out. How is that a good start to a relationship? Looking at the failed relationship statistics earlier, this situation is probably a cause.
The Traditional Relationship Paradigm
Let’s also examine the traditional relationship paradigm of the man being the provider and the woman being the homemaker. It’s more like a relationship paradigm from the 50s but it’s worth looking at because it’s something that keeps creeping into our ideologies because it’s been with us for so long until more recently. This may be stereotyping and not the rule but in relationships, it seems like men are more focused on attaining sex while women are more focused on securing a long-term relationship. In this stereotype, the men have more say over whether they’ll commit to a long-term relationship and the women have more say over whether they’ll allow a man to have sex with them. They each have what each other wants and an agreement is reached to commit to a relationship. It makes sense from a biological standpoint to be able to have a child successfully.
It also makes sense in a world where until recently, men make the money and women don’t have the same rights. It’s hard not to view it as a system of women as property. Her last name will be changed to that of the man. Women weren’t allowed to vote in Canada until 1918. A woman, regardless of income, needed a man to co-sign for her credit card until 1974. We’re still drawn to this in subconscious ways though, both men and women alike, like some old-fashioned romantic movie where men were men and women were women in some idyllic reminder of back when the world was great. It’s not a bad idea at all if one partner wants to stay home and make that their priority. It’s hard to do these days though and still have enough income. A woman staying at home actually comes from a time of a male-dominated society where men were the ones that could make the money.
In some ways, a man could become a piece of property too. A woman looked at a man as an income provider and men were judged by how much money they made. Income and finances have always been a big component of relationships.
In traditional societies, the work a woman did at home was vital and of as much worth as what the man provided by going out hunting. As we transitioned away from hunted animals and crafted goods being the currency to money, men going out to hunt became men going out to work. Money became the most important thing and the men were the ones that made it. What a woman did at home didn’t produce money and men became more valued because they did. Women often weren’t even allowed to make money and didn’t have the same rights as men.
A woman’s beauty has always been valued and often she was judged by that. In a world where women didn’t have the same access to money as men, their beauty became like a currency and how their value was decided. Better-looking women got the men with better-paying jobs and thus were more valuable. To me, what’s inside a person is more important than their appearance and the opposite seems backwards.
Today, women still judge themselves by this paradigm. Looking attractive is very important for women and I believe more than it is for men. A woman can be the one going out to work now and being paid more than her male partner yet she’s still prone to judging herself by her looks. Maybe it’s a win-win situation where a woman can now make money like a man but also access all the value that her beauty can bring her. Does it also give her the edge to get that high-paying job as well? Does that mean that beauty has taken a priority over job performance or intelligence then or was it just an added bonus? It seems like something that should be prioritized more for procreation than the workplace. These traditional beliefs still exist in both men and women and whether they’re conscious of what they’re doing or not, people keep trying to fit them into modern society even though they’re no longer appropriate.
The reality of the stereotype of that high-paid man who gets the good-looking woman is usually that he’s never there. That high-paying job takes a priority over everything else and the wonderful home it provided for isn’t something he sees much. Women can work these types of jobs now too and experience it as well. Now a wife and kids at home with a husband she never sees can turn into kids at home with parents that they never see. Or maybe no kids because who has time for that? Or maybe no time for a relationship either.
You can see how a balance is needed between work, family and relationships. I don’t think we’re doing a good job in society right now. In 1971 the dollar being tied to the gold standard ended in what was supposed to provide economic stability and buffer us from the effects of rampant capitalism. Within a decade the large baby boom generation had transitioned from being hippies to corporate executives. Society became increasingly more focused on status, image and wealth. Household incomes in actuality began a steady decrease to where eventually both partners working became the norm. Working harder and longer to pay for increasingly available conveniences and luxuries in a lifestyle that little was left over once all the bills were paid. Financial collapses seem to happen more frequently with banks and corporations managing to come out of them surprisingly well while normal citizens are left with the bill. Relationships have suffered and are in decline in a direct relationship to this. Human interactions, love, relationships and family are a hard thing to put a dollar value on. They’ve been deprioritized in favour of other things that are easier to put a dollar value on.
Let’s examine the concept of a woman’s beauty as a thing of value. It may open doors for you and make you feel valuable. Beauty disappears as we age though. Maybe long hours at the gym or even cosmetic surgery might be required to keep your valuable beauty. Eventually, maintenance costs will be too high and ineffective to protect your dwindling investment. As you age and grow as a person, your increased knowledge, wisdom, experience, skills and intelligence may not be appreciated if you’re defining yourself by the value of your beauty. Why not change your paradigm and realize that you’re the greatest you’ve ever been and see the beauty in that?
Let’s also look at that successful enviable man that defines himself by his bank account and career. As he ages his bank account and career should naturally increase. It should be enough to offset his dwindling beauty although that’s not considered as much of a priority for a man. In actuality, his value will increase with age while the value of his wife’s beauty will decrease with age. It’s a pretty common stereotype for a successful man to leave his wife for someone half her age. If he instead focused on the things that had gotten more valuable with age about his wife then he might also be able to find them in himself. There are ways a man can provide for the people and world around him that can’t be defined by a dollar amount.
Pornography’s Negative Societal Impact
If you look at a woman’s beauty as a thing of value taken to its most extreme conclusion you get the porn industry. Beautiful women are exploited sexually to make videos then they’re sold for money. The female stars decided that was the way that they could get the most value out of themselves and were enticed by the money, stardom and feeling of being valued. The reality is that careers are short and fleeting just as beauty can be and she’ll have less value the longer her career continues. Addictions, STDs, medical injuries to parts and many other unpleasant things are common occurrences. It’s usually viewed as shameful traditionally and you wonder if there’s a tortured person existing behind the extreme screen persona. The statistical decline in the success of relationships has happened at the same time as the statistical increase in the availability of pornography. 98% of children under the age of 18 have been exposed to pornography. 12.2 years old is the average age of first exposure. One-third will already be exposed at 10 years old. One in 5 experienced unwanted exposure to explicit material. One in 9 experienced online sexual solicitation.
It’s been such a long time debate over whether we should have sex education or not. Should it be the parents that do this or the school system? At what age should this happen? Or maybe the kids will just figure it out on their own. Couldn’t they just wait until they’re 18 for this stuff? It’s shown statistically that essentially none will. What age is appropriate? The statistics seem to indicate that 10 years old would be appropriate.
Parents have always dreaded “ the talk “. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t always happen. Let’s examine the reality of what “ the talk “ means today. In the same way that my parents watched t.v. with me when I was young and explained that it’s just actors and not actually real for the parts that were too scary for my young impressionable mind to handle, we need to help our children deal with this stuff. Scary shows that kids have trouble with could be pornography today. “The talk“ has gone more extreme than an analogy about birds and bees or nuts and bolts and talking about condoms. Your child will eventually be exposed to pornography regardless and I don’t know who else better than you can put it in perspective for them. I can’t imagine watching an anal gang bang with your 10-year-old so you can explain that it’s not real and that’s not how things actually are. They’ll most likely have seen that already before they’re a teenager regardless of what you do if you look at the statistics. Do you think they’ll be interested in trying aggressive oral sex to the point of vomiting during their first sexual experience? Hopefully, they’re able to put it in perspective on their own if you’re not willing to. Things in pornography that were previously illegal have now become mainstream like incest, bondage, forced sex (rape), coercion and abduction. Degrading, abusive and violent language that has become commonplace is indicative of degrading, abusive and violent behaviour. Should you explain to your child that performing oral sex under coercion for a job isn’t a normal thing? They’re going to be watching that. We must surely be creating the abusers of tomorrow through pornography. What will our children’s adult relationships be like?
Finding Connection
I’ve actually cried while writing this. It’s been difficult. Maybe punching a wall is more your style. These are painful topics. They have to be dealt with though. We’re in an obvious decline and in a bad societal direction and it’s catching up on us. It can be depressing and overwhelming but really it’s not.
There’s really only one underlying issue to be understood and it’s then easy to find the cause and the solution. The underlying problem is that we’re not connecting with each other on a personal level and personal relationships are suffering because of this. Relationships, love and the miracle of procreation exist in ethereal realms of conceptual thought and emotions. These are the parts of us that are interacting to form relationships. Money, status and physical appearance are really things secondary to a relationship. They are things that happen in the periphery of relationships but are not the relationships themselves. Focusing on these physical things about a person instead of the non-physical things that make up a personality and soul denies you the chance to see that in them. You need to look at something to be able to see it and if it’s only physical things you see in your partner then that’s all you will see. I believe that we’ve done the same thing as a society as a whole and are focusing too much on the physical things that can be defined by a dollar amount and other things that you can’t put a price on like love and relationships have suffered.
There’s really an idea in our society that being single is wrong. You’re just not complete if you’re single and unfulfilled by definition. We’re like a broken piece that needs to find the matching broken piece so we can fit perfectly and be shackled together for eternity and thus be whole. That’s a lot of expectation to put on somebody and opens the possibility for a lot of disappointment. Thinking that somebody else will be the one to make you whole and completely deny yourself the ability to believe that you could be that way on your own. Being in a state of wholeness and completeness can never be realized unless you’re willing to accept existing in that state as your awareness of yourself. If a tree falls in a forest you need to be there to be aware of it or did it really fall? Open your eyes to the wholeness in you or you’ll never see it. We’re going to interact with each other better in relationships if we see ourselves as wholes interacting with other wholes. Two balanced partners rather than broken pieces.
We need to look at ourselves and examine our direction. We have become completely focused on money and the physical world. The extreme conclusion to the direction of dating apps would be when we just make a porno of ourselves and attach a resume. Too cynical a judgment maybe? You decide. Maybe things like how considerate a person is, their great sense of humour or the way their smile makes you feel could be more important qualities in a mate for us than their job or clothes. Those qualities will remain long after jobs and clothing have changed or disappeared.
Balancing work with time, relationships and lifestyle are key. It should be easy to figure out once you understand what your priorities are. In the same way that you can look past the importance of physical things to instead get to know who your partner really is, you can do the same thing for yourself. The smile on your partner or child’s face isn’t something that you can put a price on or pay for. Just your presence is what does it but maybe you’ll never see it if you’re not there.
There was a study that measured happiness by certain indicators and compared it to household income. What it found was that there was a direct relationship between income and happiness. Income and happiness both increased together until at about $50 USD per year then there was no increase in happiness compared to increasing income after that. We need to be able to support ourselves and our families but it seems that there’s a point of diminishing returns. Many of us haven’t got to that point yet but we may be closer to the threshold of maximum happiness than we think.
It seems like we have lost perspective on the value of money in the modern world. Money in itself is completely useless and does nothing. You can’t eat it or build something out of it. Sitting in a bank account produces nothing in the world. Money is really just a way for us to interact with each other and have relationships. It’s the flow of money that is valuable and makes things happen. It’s what facilitates us to have relationships but doesn’t define them and we shouldn’t lose sight of that understanding. It seems like money has become the measure of a person; good people have money and bad people don’t. Nothing happens in society unless dollars equate. It seems like society has become computers allowing bank accounts to interact. That’s not a society organized for humans and human relationships suffer. We need to focus on the things that money can’t buy or define and then we’ll have them. Magical things that make people wonderful and special are then available to us and we can find them in each other. At that point, we’re going to start having a lot more successful relationships.